capture

You know that feeling when your reading the Word and something just captures your attention?
You could have read it a million times but you never read it this way before.

John 9... from the message
Jesus said
"You're asking the wrong question.
You're looking for someone to blame.
There is no such cause-effect here.
Look instead for what God can do."

I LOVE that... look instead for what God can do... LOVE that!

We probably spend to many hours of our days asking questions.
Lord that I would not look for blame... myself or others, but that I would look instead for what you can do with my past and present and future.

waiting

waiting
searching
crying
trying

so hard but I know in my Spirit it is right and real

so hard
trying
wanting
really wanting
no other choice this time
have to face this finally

the refining process can be so lonely

crazy how we don't even know our own hearts

only the creator can finish this
only the maker can make this right
only the healer can reach this depth

will it hurt?
yes

eyes closed

will it be done?
not completely

eyes open

will I be changed?
forever

eyes clothed

will I finally be free?
eternally

medicate... don't want to medicate any more
don't want to be her any more

shedding
shedding the old crap
shedding the old self
shedding all the hate
shedding all the lies
shedding all that was
letting go of unforgiveness and bitterness
letting go of all that was for all of Him

time to be real
have to be real
can't hide from yourself
can't hide yourself from the ones you love

letting anger go

Clinging to HIM

LOVE... L-O-V-E... LoVe... lOvE... LOVE

One day at a time

I don't know why we give ourselves such little grace. I always find myself giving mothers advice that I need to take myself.
"it's okay."
"All you can do is the best you know how and when things go wrong just try new tomorrow."
"Just ask God for help and he will tell you what to do."

I really believe all those things are true. So many first and second and third time moms are so overwhelmed and feel like if people really knew how bad of a mom they were they would just be appalled. I know, I've been there. I have talked to so many other moms who have been there too.

God I pray that you would help us to depend on you. I want to take time to listen to you and your heart for the boys. God a pray for grace for all the moms out there who just feel overwhelmed this morning/afternoon/night. God would you come and speak refreshing words to our spirits and peace over our minds.

Thank you for my amazing boys and that you have entrusted me with them and thank you that I am not doing this alone. Love covers a multitude of sins... love washes us clean and lets us all start a new.

Heavy Heart

My heart is so heavy tonight. I took a look at myself these past couple of days and I don't like who I have become. I have given in time and time again to my old self. I hate the mother I have been to my boys and confess I have not been slow to anger and abounding in joy. I walked slowly away from the Lord, my Love, the one who makes me all that I wish to be. It was me. No one else is guilty... I stand alone before the Lord and ask his forgiveness. Let this old self be done.
Psalms 19
12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don't let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
Lord I ask for this freedom... this is the prayer of my heart tonight.

God if I never do anything in my life, let it be true that when I stand before you some day that I learned how to love you and be loved by you well. Let it be true that I loved my husband in such a way that it gave you great pleasure and let me have loved my children well. Thank you that you have entrusted to me such wonderful baby boys. God let me love them well, that it would give you great joy. And thank you for my husband. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. Let me love him not worship him. Let me know him, serve him, work along side him, bless him, Let our love point to you, reflect the love you have for your Bride.

Lord without you I am nothing good.... but with you Lord... I am amazed at how your love transforms my life. Freedom Bringer. Great Healer. Restorer and Life Builder. LOVE. You are Love.

Forgiveness... there are no words to describe this... all you have done. Thank you that you awaken my heart to search for you.

In between sleeps...

In between sleeps I:
nurse the baby
clean poop off the floor
cuddle with blankies
spill crackers all over the place
clean poop off the baby covered in it from head to toe
pull baby J off the end table he has somehow managed to get on top of
find a snack for the boys
run around in circles with a happy boy laughing and screaming
clean peanut butter out of the belly button of a 2yr old
build a million block castles to be demolished by a happy kid
sweep the floor for cheerios over and over and over
pull some toy from baby J's mouth
drive cars though the sandbox
contemplate what I should make for dinner
try putting an upset kid on the potty
sing at the top of our lungs
crunch cheerios under my toes
read stories
play with animals
wash the poop diapers in the toilet
think harder about what I can make for dinner
pull weeds out of the front yard
try to get one and then the other one to stop screaming
laugh
laundry
puzzles
play with cars
watch the movie Cars
make dinner
baths
books
bed

ah... just another day :)

Sleep?

I love having my kids... I love that they are always wanting to explore and play... I love that they are close in age, 18months apart to be exact!

The thing I don't love is the feeling of never sleeping. I find myself constantly asking these questions:
"When will they wake up in the night? How many times will they wake up tonight? What if they won't go back down right away? What if they soak threw their diaper? Should I change their diaper or will it just wake them up more? When should he nap? If he naps now will he not nap later? If I try to nap now will they just wake up in 5 minutes? What if they never sleep again!!!!!?"
Okay so the last question is a bit over the edge, but sometimes it feels like it could happen.
I know your response... trust me I've heard it! "It's just a phase. This to shall pass. Someday they will be older and you'll realize this was the easy part!" Yeah, got to love that last one...

I know it's all true and I do cherish this time. I try to remind myself that I would rather be awake with them in the middle of the night then not have them at all. It helps that they are soooo darn cute! Anyway... I guess there is no reason or rhyme to this blog post except to say... if you have little ones and are up all night just think somewhere out there I am up with you and we will survive!

Seeing Jesus...

Here I am Lord.
Will you reveal yourself to me?
"Lord where are you tonight?"
I don't hear a response but I begin to see something up by the ceiling.
Something I have never seen before.
It looks like (giggle) a greenish blue haze of jello :)

"What are you doing?"
Again I don't hear anything like I usually do.
From what I can see he is just up there
floating.

Lord, I think, why are you up there?
"I'm here to Change the ATMOSPHERE... because you BREATHED me IN and OUT"

But, I think to myself, how can I co-operate with what you are doing? "Lord what should
I do now that I have seen you?"
What did I hear? This....

"Let go of PRIDE and SELFISH AMBITION - who is watching Jen? I AM - the world - what the world
needs is LESS SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS and MORE FOOLISHNESS.

Lord how can I have YOUR HEART for my husband?

"Let him see me though you
Love him CRAZILY
Love him with ME
Put ME in his DRINKS
BAKE me in his dinner
SNEAK me in his work bag

WALK in Peace and it will STRENGTHEN him."


This occurred while doing the exercise from stirthewater.com