Heavy Heart

My heart is so heavy tonight. I took a look at myself these past couple of days and I don't like who I have become. I have given in time and time again to my old self. I hate the mother I have been to my boys and confess I have not been slow to anger and abounding in joy. I walked slowly away from the Lord, my Love, the one who makes me all that I wish to be. It was me. No one else is guilty... I stand alone before the Lord and ask his forgiveness. Let this old self be done.
Psalms 19
12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don't let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
Lord I ask for this freedom... this is the prayer of my heart tonight.

God if I never do anything in my life, let it be true that when I stand before you some day that I learned how to love you and be loved by you well. Let it be true that I loved my husband in such a way that it gave you great pleasure and let me have loved my children well. Thank you that you have entrusted to me such wonderful baby boys. God let me love them well, that it would give you great joy. And thank you for my husband. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. Let me love him not worship him. Let me know him, serve him, work along side him, bless him, Let our love point to you, reflect the love you have for your Bride.

Lord without you I am nothing good.... but with you Lord... I am amazed at how your love transforms my life. Freedom Bringer. Great Healer. Restorer and Life Builder. LOVE. You are Love.

Forgiveness... there are no words to describe this... all you have done. Thank you that you awaken my heart to search for you.