One day at a time

I don't know why we give ourselves such little grace. I always find myself giving mothers advice that I need to take myself.
"it's okay."
"All you can do is the best you know how and when things go wrong just try new tomorrow."
"Just ask God for help and he will tell you what to do."

I really believe all those things are true. So many first and second and third time moms are so overwhelmed and feel like if people really knew how bad of a mom they were they would just be appalled. I know, I've been there. I have talked to so many other moms who have been there too.

God I pray that you would help us to depend on you. I want to take time to listen to you and your heart for the boys. God a pray for grace for all the moms out there who just feel overwhelmed this morning/afternoon/night. God would you come and speak refreshing words to our spirits and peace over our minds.

Thank you for my amazing boys and that you have entrusted me with them and thank you that I am not doing this alone. Love covers a multitude of sins... love washes us clean and lets us all start a new.

Heavy Heart

My heart is so heavy tonight. I took a look at myself these past couple of days and I don't like who I have become. I have given in time and time again to my old self. I hate the mother I have been to my boys and confess I have not been slow to anger and abounding in joy. I walked slowly away from the Lord, my Love, the one who makes me all that I wish to be. It was me. No one else is guilty... I stand alone before the Lord and ask his forgiveness. Let this old self be done.
Psalms 19
12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don't let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
Lord I ask for this freedom... this is the prayer of my heart tonight.

God if I never do anything in my life, let it be true that when I stand before you some day that I learned how to love you and be loved by you well. Let it be true that I loved my husband in such a way that it gave you great pleasure and let me have loved my children well. Thank you that you have entrusted to me such wonderful baby boys. God let me love them well, that it would give you great joy. And thank you for my husband. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. Let me love him not worship him. Let me know him, serve him, work along side him, bless him, Let our love point to you, reflect the love you have for your Bride.

Lord without you I am nothing good.... but with you Lord... I am amazed at how your love transforms my life. Freedom Bringer. Great Healer. Restorer and Life Builder. LOVE. You are Love.

Forgiveness... there are no words to describe this... all you have done. Thank you that you awaken my heart to search for you.

In between sleeps...

In between sleeps I:
nurse the baby
clean poop off the floor
cuddle with blankies
spill crackers all over the place
clean poop off the baby covered in it from head to toe
pull baby J off the end table he has somehow managed to get on top of
find a snack for the boys
run around in circles with a happy boy laughing and screaming
clean peanut butter out of the belly button of a 2yr old
build a million block castles to be demolished by a happy kid
sweep the floor for cheerios over and over and over
pull some toy from baby J's mouth
drive cars though the sandbox
contemplate what I should make for dinner
try putting an upset kid on the potty
sing at the top of our lungs
crunch cheerios under my toes
read stories
play with animals
wash the poop diapers in the toilet
think harder about what I can make for dinner
pull weeds out of the front yard
try to get one and then the other one to stop screaming
laugh
laundry
puzzles
play with cars
watch the movie Cars
make dinner
baths
books
bed

ah... just another day :)

Sleep?

I love having my kids... I love that they are always wanting to explore and play... I love that they are close in age, 18months apart to be exact!

The thing I don't love is the feeling of never sleeping. I find myself constantly asking these questions:
"When will they wake up in the night? How many times will they wake up tonight? What if they won't go back down right away? What if they soak threw their diaper? Should I change their diaper or will it just wake them up more? When should he nap? If he naps now will he not nap later? If I try to nap now will they just wake up in 5 minutes? What if they never sleep again!!!!!?"
Okay so the last question is a bit over the edge, but sometimes it feels like it could happen.
I know your response... trust me I've heard it! "It's just a phase. This to shall pass. Someday they will be older and you'll realize this was the easy part!" Yeah, got to love that last one...

I know it's all true and I do cherish this time. I try to remind myself that I would rather be awake with them in the middle of the night then not have them at all. It helps that they are soooo darn cute! Anyway... I guess there is no reason or rhyme to this blog post except to say... if you have little ones and are up all night just think somewhere out there I am up with you and we will survive!

Seeing Jesus...

Here I am Lord.
Will you reveal yourself to me?
"Lord where are you tonight?"
I don't hear a response but I begin to see something up by the ceiling.
Something I have never seen before.
It looks like (giggle) a greenish blue haze of jello :)

"What are you doing?"
Again I don't hear anything like I usually do.
From what I can see he is just up there
floating.

Lord, I think, why are you up there?
"I'm here to Change the ATMOSPHERE... because you BREATHED me IN and OUT"

But, I think to myself, how can I co-operate with what you are doing? "Lord what should
I do now that I have seen you?"
What did I hear? This....

"Let go of PRIDE and SELFISH AMBITION - who is watching Jen? I AM - the world - what the world
needs is LESS SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS and MORE FOOLISHNESS.

Lord how can I have YOUR HEART for my husband?

"Let him see me though you
Love him CRAZILY
Love him with ME
Put ME in his DRINKS
BAKE me in his dinner
SNEAK me in his work bag

WALK in Peace and it will STRENGTHEN him."


This occurred while doing the exercise from stirthewater.com

He fell on the sidewalk...
I saw him fall,
too drunk to walk
he could only crawl
to a scraggly tree
that grew near the street;
and with help of that tree
he got on his feet.
In my heart always,
God, help me see
he got on his feet
for-
there was A Tree!

-Ruth Bell Graham

Spiritual Clothing

"Lord will you open my eyes once again?" I ask

"Look and you will see" says the Lord
I see a shirt floating in the air. It is so simple and light. It appears to be thin and clear and yet as it twists in the air I see a light gray color that reminds me of armor.

I think to myself: What is it for Lord?
And this is what I hear:
"To cover you - To protect your heart - To keep you from evil-in-your-heart.
It's thin- but it can do the job perfectly. If you put it on right, it preserves the freshness of
your heart-spirit-mind."

I am consumed with the simplicity and strength that is found in this shirt.
I can't help but think why me Lord? Why would you offer it to me?
"I am revealing to you the care that I take when it comes to you.
This shirt can only fit one- it's measurements are made specific or it would not work.
Listen to me: guard your heart. I love how I made you. I have signed, sealed and delivered you."

"What is the cost?" I know this question must be asked.

"This one is free" replies Jesus, "it is a gift. You have to put it on. It is a gift from a Daddy."



this occurred while doing the spiritual exercise found on stirthewater.com

Rest

"Lord, I'm tired... will you drink some tea with me and help my mind to be at rest?"

"Let me, if I may, be welcomed to my room in winter by a glowing hearth, in summer by a vase of flowers; if I may not, let me think how nice they would be, and bury myself in my work. I do not think that the road to contentment lies in despising what we have not got. Let us acknowledge all good, all delight that the world holds, and be content without it."

-George Macdonald

Seeing Jesus...

my thoughts: where are you Lord?
"I am here on the couch next to you and yet everywhere in this room." he responds and then opens my eyes to see.
my thoughts: you look two dimensional to me and yet you can not be bound by dimensions. You look as though you are looking right at me and yet you are looking everywhere. You are sitting here with me and yet floating in the air.
my thoughts: why are you here Lord?
"to comfort your son
to sing to your heart
to heal the brokenness
to love, to remind you
to comfort
because you asked, because you care
to love, to shine, to help
to impart wisdom
to be a dad
to hold your hand
to remind you to pray
because I knew you would look tonight -
and this is where you could see me
to love
and that is all you need to know :)"
replied my Jesus

this occurred while doing the seeing Jesus exercise off of stirthewater.com

-Ruth Bell Graham

God,
bless all young mothers
at end of day.
kneeling wearily with each
small one
to hear them pray.
Too tired to rise when done...
and yet they do;
longing just to sleep
one whole night through.
Too tired to sleep...
Too tired to pray...
God,
bless all young mothers
at close of day.